Negotiating your settlement requires skills and perspective that you will learn in this section.
Important Reminder – No single strategy or technique can guarantee that you’ll get every item you want in your settlement. The more you create a win-win situation, the easier and better your settlement should be for both of you. And the easier it will be to live with later.
Go to next video – Avoiding Fatal Mistakes
I wish I could tell you that there was a magic bullet that would give you superpowers to become the best negotiator in the world, and that you’d get everything you wanted in your divorce settlement.
Unfortunately, we all know that it doesn’t work that way. The reality is that in a divorce no one gets everything they want. But I can promise you that if you apply the strategies and techniques I’m about to share with you, you’ll end up with a far better settlement, with less damage to your family and finances than you would have without this information.
Learn and use negotiating and people skills – Your whole divorce is one big negotiation!
We suggest where to find resources on these subjects In the Managing Yourself section.
Prep work
– Decide whether you should negotiate your own divorce
Multiple options are covered in detail in the Educating Yourself section of this program. (If you have complicated finances, a lot of assets or huge parenting issues to resolve, you’ll want to use professional help from a mediator or an attorney. But you still should try to accomplish as much as possible before using them to keep costs down unless you and your spouse are unable to interact safely.)
– Know your finances
If you don’t have a solid understanding of your finances, learn how they work before negotiating. If you aren’t confident after attempting to learn then get professional help from a financial advisor, planner or CPA. We also supply you with financial worksheets to help you with this.
– Know the value of your assets
If you’re following the advice in this program, you’ll already have done the research to ascertain the value of assets that you’ll be splitting before negotiating.
– Always research what the likely settlement terms will be before negotiating
Speak with an attorney to get a ballpark idea of what a typical settlement would be in your situation before starting negotiations with your spouse. Also find out your rights and responsibilities (especially if you have children.) This gives you a reasonable starting point to begin negotiations and a benchmark of things not to accept in an Agreement.
– Know your “Walk-Away” bottom line before you start
You need to know your bottom line before you begin negotiating. That means you have to know what you can and can’t live with. And if their proposals aren’t even close to reality then be willing to walk away. Preferably until next time, but possibly it may be time to bring in attorneys to resolve “unresolvable” issues that still need to be worked out. One other note: Make sure that your proposals are realistic as well.
– Prioritize what you want
In a perfect world you would get everything you want. As you already know, it’s not a perfect world. So think through and establish your priorities and goals before beginning negotiations after you know your general rights, responsibilities and probable outcome if this goes to court before a judge.
– Establish Ground Rules Before Beginning Negotiations
Establishing agreed upon rules for your negotiation. Will you negotiate alone in private? Do you want to meet in a neutral public setting such as a restaurant? Who will take notes and draft the outcome of your discussion? Confirm that both of you will submit your draft to an attorney for their feedback and approval before finalizing.
Share important perspective
– Set the tone
Let’s make the best of a bad situation. Neither of us wants to be taken advantage of. Both of us want a fair settlement. Let’s work together to achieve that.
– Set reasonable expectations
Our settlement needs to be a win-win. No one gets everything they want.
– The more we involve attorneys the less we end up with
Be honest – “If we were good at working through our issues, we wouldn’t be getting divorced. I know this won’t be easy but we have 2 choices. We can work this out between us, or give attorneys all our money to do it for us.” (or go into debt)
– If we go before a judge they will decide our future not us
A judge that doesn’t know anything about either one of us (or our children) will make life changing decisions that we’ll be forced to live with. And every intimate detail that comes out in court will be a matter of public record.
Strategies
– Reach an Agreement on Personal Property items
Unless you’re married to an extremely high conflict person most of these items should be fairly easy. If you hit a roadblock use some of the tools or techniques mentioned in this section to help you make progress.
– Choose your battles wisely (don’t major in minors)
This goes back to strategy, knowing what’s import to you and to them. And not arguing over a $20 toaster that you got as a wedding present because it’s from Aunt Sally. In fact, here’s a proven negotiating tip. The less important you make something seem to you, the likelier you are to end up with it!
– Be open-minded to their suggestions and concerns
Ask for their suggestions and really LISTEN to what they’re saying. They may start out offering you more than you were going to ask for. Also, everyone wants to feel heard and their opinion respected. This may also open the door to good options that you hadn’t considered that will work well for both of you.
– You don’t have to settle everything in one conversation
Remember, every single item that you agree on is a victory! This process won’t be easy and will likely take several discussions to deal with the key issues in your settlement.
Make as much progress as possible in one session and schedule another one in a couple of days when you’ve both had time to process your previous conversation and to come back fresh to discuss any remaining items.
– Know what’s important to you and what’s important to your spouse
Leverage that information to be strategic when negotiating those points of your settlement. Negotiation requires insight, compromise and self-control. Focus on what really matters to each of you instead of just “who gets what”. Many times people are willing to forfeit a financial gain to have an emotional need met.
Ex: You may want $5,000 a month in alimony for the rest of your life. But you know from speaking with your attorney that based upon your incomes and length of time married, it’s only likely to be around $3,000 a month for 7 years if a judge decides.
If your spouse is sharp, they probably got an estimated settlement as well. So they’ll have an idea of what they can expect if this goes to court.
Let’s say you know that your children’s health and wellbeing are very important to your spouse. So knowing that, you might propose an alimony payment of $4,000 a month for 10 years. If they push back, be honest and tell them that this amount would allow you to (… fill in the blank)
1. Get your kids through school without you having to work outside of the house (if you both had that goal while married).
2. Keep them in private school.
3. Keep your current home (with all their friends, current school system, sports, activities, etc.) Their world has already been rocked enough. Help stabilize things as much as possible.
OR – If you know that they have a specific retirement income goal.
You’d like the house and they can keep all or most of their 401K (depending on the value of both assets) so they wouldn’t have to liquidate early and incur a massive capital gains and early withdrawal tax.
OR – Your spouse may be emotionally triggered at the thought of making monthly alimony payments of any kind. You might propose an unequal distribution of marital property that gives you an additional tangible asset that has a value of what you would have received over time from alimony payments.
The more you create a win-win situation, the easier and better your settlement should be for both of you. And the easier it will be to live with later on.
Tools
Some of the following tools are discussed in the Managing Yourself section but they absolutely apply here as well.
– Don’t be a doormat
Be assertive but not adversarial
– Don’t allow yourself to be triggered
Old habits and patterns die hard! Don’t get sucked into the crazy cycle of conflict. Your spouse knows how to press your buttons. But if you respond the way they want you to, you’ve given them control over you.
– Don’t accuse or attack your spouse
Do your best to communicate facts or deal with a difference of opinion without resorting to combative words or gestures. You know their triggers and they know yours. Antagonizing them won’t achieve your goals and you’ll only regret it later.
– Take a time-out when needed
If things start to get intense (and they will), tell your spouse that you think it would be wise for both of you to take a break so you can come back with a calmer perspective to work through things.
– Don’t rush an important decision
Don’t be pushed to make an important decision. Tell them you need time to think about it. Give your spouse time to get back with you when they need it as well.
– Keep perspective
If you come to a deadlock in negotiations remind yourself and your spouse about the important perspective you need to keep sight of to stay on track. The alternative to working things out is fighting in court and spending a lot of money, and neither one of you want that.
Important Reminder
No single strategy or technique can guarantee that you’ll get every item you want in your settlement. But implementing everything you’ve learned in this section and program will certainly help you to obtain a much better settlement than you would have without this information.
Let’s move on to the next section.